The shenanigans and life of Gerald Baldwin
by wazzock757
Summary: Gerald Baldwin is an ill-tempered 76 year old and a bit geriatric. (comedy)


**The shenanigans and life of Gerald Baldwin **

Gerald Baldwin is an ill-tempered 76 year old and a bit geriatric. He has a son (Steve) who works in Australia as a prison governor and has a grandson who is 19 years of age who is unemployed. Gerald used to work at the Harwoth Colliery as a deputy. He worked there since the age of 17 and retired just before the colliery closed its doors in the early 2000's. Presently Gerald lives in a care home during the week however he is permitted to vacate to his 3 bedroom semidetached house on weekends. Gerald is a big drinker and he likes machinery. This is a little short story about Gerald in his 'later years' His wife Jenny lives in another care home as she can't put up with Gerald any longer.

**Chapter one:**

**Gerald's mobility scooter**

Gerald's mobility scooter arrived in the back of a box wagon. His grandson had bought it him as Gerald kept drinking and driving all of the time so his grandson had no alternative option but to take the keys off of him. Gerald put on his cowboy hat and signed the order sheet and told the delivery driver to 'get gone' and as a tip Gerald gave the delivery driver a tangerine. "oh baby she'se a gooden I'm gonna show this gem off down the walkway" Gerald said to hisself stroking the plastic body of the mobility scooter.

Bobby one of geralds friends who also lived in the carehome came out to see what all the fuss was about. "nice bit a kit there gezz" bobby said waving his stick and hitting it against the mobility scooter. "Piss off this is my ride I'm gonna take her for a spin and take your lady friend for a ride on it GET GONE" gerlad said to bobby. Gerlad ran over bobby's foot with the mobility scooter then flagged bobby as he rode off into the distance. "bloody prick" bobby said to himself.

Gerald went all over on his mobility scooter he didn't realise what time it was and his carers got worried and went out to find him. It was 7:30pm when Gerald finally came back to the home. His carers mothered him in. "piss off" Gerald shouted at the carers as he rode his new scooter in through the hallway and knocked down the coat holders then took out a fire extinguisher attached to the wall before returning to his room. Gerald rammed down his door with the scooter as he couldn't be bothered to get off of it. Due to the little prang knocking down the door his cowboy hat fell off. "God damn it oh shit! Fucking piece of shit" Gerald shouted to his scooter as he backed out of his room to retrieve his cowboy hat.

The next morning Gerald decided to go to the shop to get some whiskey. He rode out of the care home but instead of taking the ramp his face lit up as he looked at the stairs. "hell yeah lets get this party started" Gerald shouted. The scooters wheels spun on the spot smoke puffed out of the burning rubber. Gerald let go of the brakes and the scooter wheelied and knocked Gerald back into the seat. He cleared the stairs and got airborne and cleared the care homes minibus. He landed perfectly. "wooo hooo yeee hawww" Gerald shouted as he raced off towards the shops on his scooter.

Gerald hand brake turned it parking perfectly in front of the shop doors. A bunch of teens looked at Gerald gone out. Gerald took off his cowboy hat "that how ya do it boyz" as he walked through the electric doors and into the shop wiggling his buttocks and waving his walking stick.

Little did he know it though whilst he was buying whiskey the boys where up to no good. The rigged his scooter up while he was gone and they waited outside the shop for him for there ultimate prank. Gerald drunk the bottle of whiskey in one in front of the boys then threw the glass whiskey bottle on the floor and it smashed into prices. "that's how ya do it gezza can drink you tails under the table anyday"

Gerald turned on the ignition when all of the warning lights illuminated. "what the fuck is this pissing Christmas light switch on" he slammed his fist on the dashboard then all of a sudden the scooter sprung to life. The acceleration knocked Jerald back in to his seat. "whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Gerald yelled as he clung on to the handle bars for his life. The scooter took him all around the car park he smashed through a trolley shelter then did donuts in the car park. He then hit the kerb causing the scooter to do 5 360's all at once. After his merry go round the scooter then shot off towards the glas electric doors at tremendous speed. The mischievous teens where on the floors laughing at Gerald. "you bastard kids" Gerald shouted as he flew past them on his scooter and smashed through the electric glass doors in the shop. Now in the shop Gerald zoomed down one isle to the next before smashing into the contraception shelf. Lot's of lube smashed to the floor making the floor really slippy. Gerald's scooter glided over the lubed up floor like an ice skater before it smashed into a bouncy ball machine. Bouncy balls bounced all over the shop some hitting Gerald on the head. "ow hey ya bastard ooo god damn it sheba" Gerald moaned as the balls hit him. The scooter then shot out of the store and over the road was Doncaster international airport. The scooter power slidded over the ring way road and then smashed straight through the airside security fence.

Gerald's scooter shot towards the active runway a big blue Thomson Airways Boeing 767 plane was preparing to take off. The engine spooled up to takeoff thrust and Gerald's scooter got blown back from the power of the engines. The power was incredible Gerald's scooter went about 30-60 feet in the air and it tossed Gerald off. Thankfully though Gerald smashed through his care home sky window and landed directly in his bed. Gerald was very angry. He had lost his cowboy hat. He looked all around his room for it however it was clearly gone. 10 minutes past and out of the blue his cowboy hat sailed in through the broken sky light and landed directly on his head. "HELL YEAH" Gerald shouted fisting the air.

Later that night his carer came to retrieve the scooter. It was still going so she had to prop it up against the stairs outside the home. The wheels where still spinning but she didn't know how to disconnect the battery so the motor continued to work all night.

"piss off" Gerald shouted at the scooter as he laid in bed as the scooters horn was now peeping and waking everyone up in the home.

Gerald pretended it wasn't his scooter and blamed it on bobby and told everyone it was bobby's scooter. It was now 5:00am and the scooter was still peeping and the wheels still spinning. Gerald got a can of petrol poured it all over the scooter and burned it.

**Chapter two: **

**Gerald's holiday experience (first person): **

kids n grankids took me and our jenny to benidorm other year bloody loved everybit of it didn't like thompson plane though that bloody scared me to death. anyway i ended up smoking a full sleeve of fags and drunk like a school kid i had best time of me life. bloody kevin youngest one like he got me on big slide at one of them aqua parks NEVER AGAIN sweet jesus mary lord that were frightening. Also got me sen one of those casio watches for 20 euro couldnt bloody believe it and got steve my oldest lad some of that formula 1 aftershave for 20 euro an all dead cheap over there it's good though cos you can get cheap jewelry. that where a good night when all we went into one of these irish bars and bloody steve daft sod got me and jenny up on karoke singing i did it my way frank Sinatra, we had some lovly steak n ale pies there. there gravy is rate nice and thick spot on it where. only thing was that we left cavalier in one of those pay park ride car park things anyway i came back to it and bloody someone had nicked Ariel off it! good thing is we got a rate tan me an our jenny, came back like asians flew from doncaster international airport ay i tel you summat it's a good little airport, you get to see harworth colliery big winding tower when you take off thats where i used to work Me an our jenny couldn't wait to get back home though. we landed at doncaster at 3 in morning and i was up that day 7 in morning to cutt lawn bloody hell grass where rate high grass cutter only just got through. poor bloody jenny she where jet lagged took her 2 week to recover from jet lag god bless her. theres nowt like your own bed is there after youve had a couple of weeks with out it

**Gerald's chair lift (yahoo answer style): **

**Chapter three **

My grandson kept harassing me to get one of those electric motor stair chairs so i ended up getting one in the end to shut him up i'm perfectly capable to get up the stairs anyway. After i had it installed i was very dissatisfied with the speed it went i clocked it and it took 77 seconds just to get up and down the stairs. Visualize what this is like when you're desperate for the toilet or if the phone goes off when you're halfway down it. Anyhow i managed to get a qualified manufacturing mechanic out to tweak with the motor to try and speed it up. He left before i could test it out and yet again i was disappointed this time it took even longer 88 seconds to get up and down the stairs. So i parked the chair up on the stairs and decided to take a look at it myself. I put on my hat and got the tool box from under my stair case. It is a fiddly thing as i had to take the plastic guard off to see into the motor. I took out some Allen key type nut things and took out a few screws to see if that would help. I also went all along the track up and down and lubed it up with a can of WD-40. I got back on it but then it wouldn't work so i took another few screws out of the motor. I got back on it and all of a sudden i didn't even touch the control unit, the chair started flying down the stairs. At this point i was quite impressed with the speed as it was coasting quite fast however it didn't stop when it came to the bottom. The chair hit the end of the track at the bottom of the stairs and it tossed me off the chair and i ended up flying through my door. I smashed through the door and coincidently the milk man was at my door step and i crashed into him before landing in my front rockery full of primroses. I was ok but very annoyed as my cowboy hat somehow got compressed in amongst the track and the chair on the ascent down. I immediately rung the manufacturer and they told me that the guarantee is not valid so in other words they are trying to rip me off. What should i do? Should i take the company/manufacturer to court and sue them?

**Chapter four: **

**Gerald's ride on lawn mower: **

After Gerald had got given a full rebate for his mobility scooter from scootie tootie Gerald had no transport. He wasn't depressed but it the lack of independence he had now was slightly irritating him. It was a Saturday morning and Gerald decided to clear his shed out before hitting the local pub. A thought came to him swiftly as he opened the shed door up. His ride on lawn mower sat patiently waiting for him. "I'm gonna take this baby for a ride on the walkway" Gerald thought to himself. The lawn mower was Gerald's desire. His son bought it him for a 70th birthday present he loved mowing the grass and he would often polish the lawn mower every Sunday. Gerald was so eager about his inspiration he literally hurdled onto the mower. As he was so excited he couldn't be bothered to open the double garage style doors up so instead he attempted riding it through the small shed door. The mower got wedged on the door frame. "Fuck sake fire now fucking what" Gerald shouted as he hit his fist hard on the steering wheel. Gerald slammed the throttle from the tortoise setting to the hair setting. The engine spooled up quickly and the wheels began to spin. The mower inched millimetres forward as a loud creaking noise reverberated through the shed as the door frame and beams began to warp. "C'mon Gez come to daddy" Gerald shouted as black and blue smoked filled the shed from the burning tyres. All of a sudden the door frame gave way, Gerald's grass cutter shot out of the shed like a screaming bee. "Hell yeah yeeee hawww!" Gerald shouted as behind him his shed collapsed and buckled to the floor Gerald totally oblivious to it as he was waving his cowboy hat about. Gerald drove straight through the kitchen door into the kitchen and rammed into the dining table knocking over the table before vacating through the front door. As Gerald rode down the front garden and out of his gate on the ride on mower his grandson Kevin pulled up in his Vauxhall Cavalier. "Grandad what are you doing!" Kevin yelled. "Piss off boy I'm going for a cruise" Gerald shouted has he rode past Kevin's car at walking speed on the lawn mower. "Oh for Christ sake now what's he doing" Kevin muttered to himself has he began hot pursuit for Gerald on his lawn mower. Gerald took the mower onto the road; Kevin behind him in his car flashing his lights hoking his horn and yelling out of the window to try and make Gerald stop. Gerald was loving it he thought he was on Miami vice. Cars began to form up behind Kevin's car due to the lawn mowers speed which was a little quicker than walking speed. Kevin put on his hazard lights other cars backed up behind him and started hoking. Gerald started singing to himself: "Three wheels on my wagon, And I'm still rolling along. The Cherokees are chasing me Arrows fly, right on b But I'm singing a happy song. I'm singing a higgity, haggity, hoggety, high" Gerald sang to himself as numerous cars swerved to avoid the deluded geriatric on his ride on lawn mower. Gerald quickly swerved to the left nearly getting the mower on two wheels. It was a cunning plan. Gerald zoomed off into a small jitty and as he did he put his middle finger up to Kevin then lit a Cuban cigar for his conquest. "Little sod" Kevin shouted as he then accelerated up the road towards the other end of the jitty.

To be continued…


End file.
